Apology

Hey you.

I’m sorry. I goofed up. Big time. For the first night in more than a year, we did not say goodnight on pleasant terms.

You say you’ll talk to me when you’re ready. I know from experience that that may take some time. While waiting for that to happen, I might as well make you a love letter, or what technically passes for one.

That was five minutes ago, and although I said goodnight, here I am, trying to write this message to you.

One of my biggest flaws is that I don’t know how to shut up, especially when it’s my fault. I’ll keep on yakking, laying cards on the table, not knowing when to stop. I just don’t stop. I act like a girl that way, said one of my friends before, and it’s pathetic. You know this; you said so yourself.

“Para kang babae, Kiko.”

I shouldn’t have told you that I felt bad; that I’ve been feeling bad, and about you. But then, I should have. I shouldn’t keep these things from you. Especially from you. You don’t keep secret little hurts against your best friend, your wife. They always say to never let yourselves sleep with these little spats unresolved. It’s the way to a harmonious relationship. Bullshit. Why couldn’t I just stay quiet?

Forgive me. These words are spoken because they need to be heard.

Still don’t get what I mean? I’m only comfortable talking in riddles. My defenses are taking control.

You’re right, my obsession with rules is killing my relationship with one who relishes breaking them. Some rules you transgress, some you keep sacred. So forgive me this little transgression, for I will delve once more into the world of analogy.

I know you will, because right now you are so mad at me that I have to do this outside our bedroom. You’re pretending I don’t exist.

Good. Now, I can finish.

You see, I am a drowning man. To keep himself alive, the drowning man flails his arms like a headless chicken, needlessly expending energy when the only thing he needs to do to stay afloat is to lie back and relax. But the drowning man kicks and flails because that’s what his brain tells him will save his life – what’s most important to him.

In basic life saving, they say the only way to save a drowning man is to let him drown. That’s the only time he stops doing the stupid thing and relaxes enough for other people to save him. That’s the only time you can rescue the guy without hurting yourself (the rescuer).

Did I mention I wasn’t good at resolving conflict? Especially when it comes from me? Well, I’m not. I hate it. I don’t make mistakes, other people do. That’s how we laugh about it. That’s why I like talking to other people. It’s always their mistake, not mine.

I’m drowning in you. I’ve been feeling us die. I can’t put my finger on it, but I do. I read once that when love starts to die, the process is irreversible. Please tell me it’s not the end.

I’ll wait for you when you’re ready. In the meantime, I remain.

Semper fidelis.

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